This memoir is a partner piece to "In the Space Where a Name Was Erased."

I write to appease thatchild in me who never sawthemself on the page.

A poem by Laura Browne-Lambert, "Mantra" discusses the inherent ableism in the cultural expectation to never waste a second of time on something mundane, to always be working, adventuring, and creating. As a disabled artist and writer, Browne-Lambert often struggles to allow herself to rest and recover between activities. Inevitably, her body forces her to rest when it is unable to keep up with the demands placed on it. Her poem is a message to herself and others like her that rest is productive in its own way by allowing you to be rejuvenated.

Look sharp,look around you.When no one’s looking,I’m going to love you.

I kneeled before the altar, my knees planted firmly on a red cushion that had been worn thin with age. Winds of incense slowly spiraled upward. Sandalwood drifted in with its calm aroma, merry to heighten the contrast of this ancient ambiance. To me, the smell is ancient, familiar in a way that drew something from the depths of my chest. Every spring, we gather for Taigong Ji. The ceremony is a rite held to honor our earliest recorded ancestor. The family comes together to bow, burn incense, and speak the names of those who came before, reaffirming the unbroken chain of lineage. I fought for this moment to stand beside these people-for the youngest in six centuries. I thought standing with them would make me one of them.

Mystical and magical and beautiful: a wave.

I see them,

Hands dip deep in soil.

The season that wandered so dull and cold

I long for a her who never existed

wanting you is likewanting to be with the moonwe are two polar pointsin the same universeand you are close enough to pull my waterswith a distance that doesn’t disruptthe world’s equilibriumbecause it seems thatbeing with youis against the rulesof physics and probability

We are United,In grief,In struggle,In fear,Of the very government that leads us,The United States of Sorrow...We are United,In not life, but labor,In not liberty, but labels,Happiness, we can barely pursue survival,The United States of Lies...We are United,In poverty,In unanswered prayers,In racism,United in all the wrong...The United States of Suffering...We were United,By war,By slavery,By oppression,United by all the wrong...The United States of America...